Xiaolin Showdown Porn Story: Carly Chase – Chapter 3

CHAPTER THR33: A Rabbi,
a Priest, and Mime walked into a bar…

Last time on
CarlyChase:

A random mime
squashed Carly and a renegade piano is falling from the sky from
somewhere, probably the sky, courtesy of that weird ACME guy always
dropping stuff on that poor coyote.

Down, down, down, and
down some more that piano fell from some untold height. Tis then
the magical piano was stopped by the magical pigeon who happened to
moonlight as Robyn, Bird Wonder. As the pigeon and the random piano
flew away, the odd group watched in amazement at the formerly
performed amazing event as performed by the amazing avian of
unmatched amazingness.

Back to what really
matters, i.e. the mime, Carly, and her kidnapper, and us. And the ice
cream.

Are you quite
finished with all this useless hullabaloo? Chase asked.

Its not like its
our fault! Samantha cried indignantly.

Sure it isnt,
Chase nodded.

Hey, Chase…
KaLynda said slowly.

Yes?

Put
Claude down please, KaLynda replied.

Hes
claustrophobic, Samantha added.

Fine, With a very
graceless thump, Claude was reduced to pile of stripes and French
hats after Chase ever so kindly dropped him on his ass. The authors
would like to inform you that all that Claude mimes will now be
written in bold as if he were actually speaking.

Ow.

Yo Claude, how have
you been? KaLynda asked, helping the bizarrely short mime to his
feet.

Fine I suppose.

You suppose?
Samantha asked, crossing her arms. Claude made a face. So mature
Frenchie,

Frenchie? Frenchie! Who are you calling
Frenchie you American mutt!

What did he just
say? Samantha asked KaLynda.

He insulted you,
KaLynda answered nonchalantly.

How?

He
called you a mutt,

HE CALLED ME WHAT!?!?

You heard me you
air-headed que-tip.

Oh thats it
mister! Youre going down! Samantha tackled the mime angrily,
hissing and spitting.

Wow, Camille
watched the carnage with a slightly disgusted wonder. Does she
even know what he said?

Probably not, KaLynda nodded.
During the scrap of que-tip versus Frenchie, a random shoe, believed
to belong to Samantha, came flying out of the fray and struck Hannah,
thus killing her. Hm, shame, With that, KaLynda kicked the body
into the nearest gutter and lit a match. Throwing the match into the
gutter, she ran like hell and reached a safe distance moments before
the sewers blew up.

The explosion proved to
be a good distraction for the fighting pair. Mid-attack they stopped
to watch the mini-mushroom clouds drift into the sky.

I think we missed
something.

Same here,
Samantha nodded.

Hey, Samantha?
Camille asked, looking around wildly.

What?

Carlys gone,
Camille paused. Again,

Snaps! Samantha
punched the ground and then happily choked on the dust she stirred
up.

Lets get cleaned
up, eat something, and go see that movie weve been wanting to see,
then we can save her, KaLynda said, pulling the two (Claude and
Samantha) to their feet.

What movie?
Samantha asked in an innocent voice.

I dont care.
Sweeney Toddles, Disenchanted, 27 m Dresses, PS
I Hate You…take your pick,

How about Totally
Traceable or No Missed Calls? Camille suggested.

I vote for
Hideously Fake Fools Golden-esque Rip-off Compass, Samantha
piped.

Lets see PS I
Hate You, it starts in twenty minutes,

But Sweeney
Toddles the Magical Barber of Dreary Lane starts in nineteen
minutes, Samantha pointed out.

Alright, lets see
that one,

~*~Back at the
Mansion~*~

Weve got to stop
just leaving them like that, Carly said, a small pout on her lips.
Its not very nice,

Im not very nice,

Yes you are,
somewhere deep, deep down, Carly said placing a hand over her
heart. You are a very good person,

No Im not. Carly,
people like you are good; people like me eat people like you for
breakfast,

No need to be
sarcastic, Carly huffed. Chase sighed and placed a hand on her
shoulder.

Im sorry, but
your friends are very loud and very annoying, I get like this when
Im annoyed, Carly shrugged and smiled.

Its alright,
I was just joking. Chase raised an eyebrow as Carly skipped away
from him towards the garden.

Shes going to be
the end of me, Chase muttered to himself.

Yo, dude, Chase
looked around confused.

Show yourself! He
ordered tersely.

To your left,
Chase looked. Now down, Chase was shocked to find a mini
version of himself clad in very tight leather on his left shoulder.
And you know my twin, On his other shoulder stood another tiny
Chase, only this one was wearing a white suit, a red tie, and a
matching fedora.

Hi, The
white-Chase said with a wave. Call me Good-You or whatever,

I have a good me?
Chase thought incredulously.

Sorta, Good-Chase
said with a shrug. At least youre not like him, Good-Chase
pointed at the leather-Chase who was picking a wedgie.

Call me Fabio,
the Leather-Chase said with a wink. Chase shook his head and squeezed
his eyes shut. When he opened them, Good-Chase and Fabio were still
there.

Youll never get
rid of us you know. Even therapy wont work, Fabio said,
twirling a lock of hair.

Were here to
advise you on your sex and love life, Good-Chase said. I say,
respect her wishes and pamper her,

Two words,
Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow, Fabio said while grotesquely thrusting his
pelvis.

What the hell are
you talking about? Chase asked feeling even more confused.

Carly you idiot,
Good-Chase snapped.

Boink her. Beats
that tube sock, Chase glared at the two of them.

Leave me alone,

Just think of
how beautiful your children will be,

Just think how great
it would feel to-Good-Chase pulled a cleverly hidden Tommy gun and
shot Fabio before he could finish his sentence.

Shut up you fool.
Thats the Sandmans job to tell him, Fabio made a face and
reattached his hand which was blown off.

So, what are you
doing here really? Chase asked again, feeling almost nauseous.

We are here to guide
you in your many quests for love, world domination, and destruction,
Good-Chase said.

Great,

Meanwhile Carly,
watched on as the Dark Prince continued to converse with himself.
Hes a bit strange, Carly told the bluebird she was sitting
next to. But I love him anyway, There was silence. Well I
dont love him, I dont think, She frowned. I dont
really know,

Just go away,
Chase hissed at his shoulder consciences.

Fine, be that way,
Good-Chase disappeared with a pop.

She is young, she is
pure…corrupt her, Fabio cackled then poofed. Chase glared at his
shoulders.

Um, Chase are you
alright? Carly asked. Chase whipped around and nodded hurriedly,
several images Fabio had conjured moments ago playing through his
mind.

Sammi:
Oh My Gees!

K-Chan:
…

Sammi:
Chase uses a tube sock! I knew it!

K-Chan:
Im more concerned about Fabio. Hes a bad influence.

Sammi:
Well duh!

Carly looked confused
at Chases red face and stiff shoulders. Were you thinking dirty
things like Sammi says you do?

No, Chase
squeaked and cleared his throat. Carly eyed him suspiciously.

Are you
sure?

Yes? Chase cleared his throat again and
shuffled his feet nervously.

Youre shuffling
your feet, you never shuffle your feet, Carly crossed her arms.

I…uh…have to
um- pee, Chase ninja poofed out of the room.

Why is he
stuttering? Oh no, theres….theres another— Carly began
hyperventilating.

Carly, whats
wrong? Camille asked. Carly shrieked and jumped a foot in the air.

Chase is cheating on
me! She wailed.

You were going
out? Samantha asked, suddenly very confused about life.

Hes going down,
KaLynda growled, her eyes blazing.

I wanna help!
Samantha tried to run off and find the cat-lizard man but KaLynda
stopped.

Lets actually
try to think about this before we do anything,

But
thats no fun, Samantha whined.

So, Carly, what
happened before we magically ninjaed here and you began accusing
your lover boy? KaLynda questioned.

Well, Chase was
talking to himself then he was red and stuttery and he shuffled his
feet a lot,

Shoulder
consciences, The three girls said in unison.

Nasty little
buggers, Camille piped in a fake British accent.

They are, and
theyre mean, and they have lots of tube socks, Samantha agreed
with a happy headshake.

I still have some of
my Shoulder Pest-Off, KaLynda said, pulling it out of her
pocket. It was a large orange can with a devil and angel on the front
being squished. This is the only thing that gets rid of them. Not
even therapy works,

If this doesnt
work out, you can always move with us to Canada, Samantha said. I
have a boyfriend there named Vancouver who lives in Alberta,

Chase? Carly
shouted into the oddly quiet mountain.

Yes?

Can
you come here a second?

I suppose, And then he was
there, right behind the group, stepping out of a cloud of smoke.

Two-Timer,
Camille mumbled.

Two-Timing Rapist,
Samantha shouted.

What are you talking
about? Chase raised a quizzical eyebrow.

NOW KALYNDA!
Samantha screamed pointing at Chase. KaLynda brandished the can.

Conscience be
gone. She ordered, pressing the button. A foul smelling cloud of
orange covered Chases upper body. Everyone in the room began
choking on the small cloud as if it were attacking their lungs with
machetes and butterfly nets. And battery acid. Which was pretty much
what that stuff was made of. Fabio and Good-Chase fell to the ground,
cursing profusely.

Hyah! Samantha
yelled, bringing her foot down with a triumphant KABLOOEY and
smooshed the shoulder consciences. The group heard two small shrieks
and a rather pissed sounding Damn you! and saw a sparkly puff
as the Fabio and Good-Chase vanished.

WEB UPDATE: LIVING VS.
DEAD

When the two girls
turned around, Carly and Chase were no where insight. Looking around,
they found Camille playing in a koi pond.

Where did they go?
Samantha asked, spinning in circles.

Why are you asking
me? KaLynda snapped back, a headache growing rapidly behind her
eyes.

Cause,

Cause?

Yes, cause,
Samantha crossed her arms and huffed. KaLynda rolled her eyes and
pinched the bridge of her nose.

Hey, Camille
shouted. Where did they go? She asked, sitting down, a lily pad
on her head.

I dont know, and
right now I dont care. Im hungry, KaLynda began towards the
door leaving two very befuddled almost-monks.

Oi! I know this
place where we can get awesome free Chinese food, Samantha piped,
running after her.

You mean the
temple? Camille asked, trying to keep up.

How did you know?
Are you psychic?

Maybe, Camille
smirked and stopped to face Sam. Samantha stopped also, turning she
initiated a staring contest. They stood there, unmoving for a couple
minutes when they realized something was missing. Wait a
minute….why isnt my soul being destroyed by cynicism and
sarcasm?

I dunno…KALYNDA!
At the base of Mt. Kitty-Litter KaLynda turned to see who was
screaming her name.

Hm…thats
odd, She muttered to herself before continuing on, uncaring of her
friends absence.

~*~Somewhere within the
mansion~*~

Chase…

What is it?

I cant see
anything,

…

Is that your hand?

What?

On my thigh,

Carly, Im three
feet taller then you, how the Hell can I be touching your thigh if
Im standing up?

I dont know. But,
if it isnt you, then who is it? A tiny squeak emitted from the
mystery person.

Worm?

Uh-Hi? Carly
shrieked and jumped back.

Your hand did NOT
have permission to go there!

Go where? Im just
as blind as you!

Grr- A thud was
heard.

Ow! Joo broke mah
dose,

Is that
b-bluh-blood?

Carly?

Chase, jour
girlfriend fainted…into mah arms,

Shes not my
girlfriend…

Okay, sorry. Ah dink
Ah accidently got blood on her,

Do you have an STD?

No,

Are you
certain?

How can Ah hab a STD if Ahb a virgin in
every sense?

Too much information Spicer, Insert
sigh. Too. Much. Information,

Whateber. Can joo
take her pwease; mah dose is still bweeding, There was a soft moan
and a rustle. Dude, shes snwuggling!

What?

Shes-

Do you want me to
punch you again?

Doh,

Then stop,

Stop what? She-s da
one whos-dont gwab dat!

Chase?

Sorry to
disappoint…

AIEE! Crack.
Thud.

AUGH MAH DOSE!

What did you do,
Carly?

I smacked him and he
dropped me!

Spicer!

Iwl leeb if Ah
dow da way,

Ill let you know
if I can figure it out,

You dont know how
to get out of here?

Ive never been
here before,

How did we get here,
Chase?

Im not sure,

Its your house!

So?

~*~Somewhere in
Shoulder-Conscience-Land~*~

Revenge is sweet,
Fabio cackled.

~*~At the temple~*~

Welcome back,
Clay greeted the lone almost-dragon as she walked inside. Wheres
everyone else? KaLynda stopped and looked at him blankly for a
moment as her brain processed his question.

Hannah died and
I have no clue where Sam and Camille; I think theyre with Chase,
KaLynda glanced over shoulder as if to make sure before giving Clay a
pleading look. Tell me you have Advil,

Advil?

Any
kind of pain reliever. I have a massive headache and one more loud
noise will result in the end of the world,

Yeah, Kimiko keeps
some stuff for her…monthly female stuff, Clay motioned for her
to follow him. You know, He started once they were walking side
by side. We havent had much time to talk since you and yer
friends came here,

I know, and Im
sorry, KaLynda ran a hand through her hair, ruffling it. Theyve
been busy trying to protect Carly and annoy Chase and Ive been
busy making sure that they didnt kill anyone, Clay laughed at
that. So, youre from Texas?

Yeah, where are you
from?

Colorado originally but Ive been living in
Arizona since the fifth grade,

Do you like it there? In
Arizona I mean,

Yeah, its pretty
nice there, The duo entered the temple and Clay lead KaLynda to
the general bathroom where first aid stuff was kept. Opening the
medicine cabinet, he pulled out a bottle of generic headache relief
and passed to KaLynda. Thanks,

No problem, Clay
smiled.

Clay and KaLynda
sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Samantha and Camile sang from
somewhere in the room. KaLynda and Clay looked around before zeroing
in on the closed shower curtain. KaLynda stepped forward and ripped
it open to find Camille and Samantha in matching Vegas showgirl
outfits, a microphone clutched in Camilles glittery hand while Sam
danced.

What the Hell?
KaLynda stepped back quickly to avoid being touched. Clay froze as
the singing pair began a heavy metal rendition of the song. Clay,
move slowly to the door, Clay nodded slowly. Any sudden
movements, they might attack, KaLynda took a step backwards,
bumping Clay. On the count of three, throw your neck bandana at
them. It should distract them long enough for us to get away,
Nodding again, Clay undid his bandana and readied to throw it. Okay,
one…two…THREE! Clay flung the bright red fabric at the two
glittered weirdoes, causing them to release identical screams of
horror and to flail about wildly. As they did so, the cowboy and
KaLynda darted out of the bathroom down the hall. They hear the
others try to chase after them and so they hurried to an open door
and closed it quietly.

~*~Back at the
Mansion~*~

So…

Yes Carly?

What
do you want to do?

Cawn we stob mah
nobe from bweeding?

Of course Jack. Im
sorry I left you bleeding, There was more rustling. Is that
you, Jack?

No, thats me
Carly. Kindly remove your hand from my belt,

Sorry
Chase. Jack?

Yeah, There were
soft sounds as Carly felt up Jacks torso to his face. Ow!

Oh quiet you big
baby,

Youre the one who
fainted,

Chase…

Yes?

Shut
up, There was absolute silence.

I see its
working,

Whats
working?

I am slowly converting you to the dark side,

Telling you to shut
up isnt turning to the dark side,

You think, There
was a squelching nose as Carly pressed a hankie to Jacks dripping
nose.

OUCH! Watch it!
There was a soft glow now emerging from Carlys hand, illuminating
the small room. It was only there for a second before it disappeared.
My nose, its better!

I know, I fixed it,

How?

I
dont know. I just wanted to fix it so I did,

Thank you!

Oof!

Release her Worm,

Yes, right, okay,
Jack shuffled back.

Alright, I found a
way out. Follow me,

How are we supposed
to follow you if we cant see you?

Hold my hand, Jack,
and Chase give me yours,

A human chain?

Yes, Chase, a human
chain,

Fine, come on,

~*~Temple~*~

Do you think theyre
gone? Clay whispered while pulling on the chain for the light
above to turn on.

Turn that off, they
might see it! KaLynda yanked the chain, turning the light off.

How did they get in
there?

I have no clue. Why dont you ask them?

Why dont you?

Bite me cowboy,

Samantha and Camille
stared at the closet door, hearing every word.

Sounds kinky,
Camille quipped. Samantha placed a finger to her lips shushing her
then pulled out a tape recorder, pressed record and slipped it under
the door. Oooo, blackmail,

Yes grasshopper,
blackmail, Samantha chuckled quietly and pressed her ear to the
door.

Clay?

Yeah?

How
small is this closet?

Pretty small, Im
leaning against the wall,

So am I,
KaLynda reached forward, her hand coming in contact with Clay almost
immediately. Which part of you is this?

My shoulder,

Okay. Im going to
sit down, dont move, KaLynda stumbled a little as she sat down
slowly, trying to avoid sitting on his feet. Theres room down
here if you want to sit too,

Ill stay
standing,

Okay, They could
hear a faint giggle on the other side of the door. Clay looked down
in KaLyndas general direction and poked. Hey, watch it! That
would be her forehead. Clay leaned down and whispered his plan. Clay
grabbed the door handle from the inside and turned it slowly. KaLynda
shifted and raised her legs, preparing to kick it.

One,

Two,

THREE! Clay
pushed and KaLynda kicked hard, sending Samantha and Camille flying
across the hall and into the wall. Exiting the closet, KaLynda was
thankful that they had changed out of their Vegas clothes and now
wore their robes. Exiting quickly, KaLynda and Clay ran away from the
slightly dazed Camille and Samantha.

~*~Back at Chases~*~

Even with the help of
Chases superhuman powers and Carlys infallible human chain, it
still took the trio almost a half hour to get out of wherever they
were. Once they were out, they were surprised to find themselves
staring down an arid landscape with a large and ominous stone gate
behind them.

-the Hell? Chase
glared at the unfamiliar setting. While surveying the area for
threats, Chase was immensely surprised to find a tall slender man
with crazy blonde hair and tights smirking at them while juggling
crystal balls.

Hello, The man
smirked as he walked forward. Would you kindly explain what you
were doing in MY labyrinth, messing with MY fung shui, with a
bleeding Canadian?

Howd joo dow dat I
wad Canadian?

You reek of hockey,
Jack blinked in confusion.

I dont bay
sbortz, Jack looked around frantically. Honzest,

Just leave my
Underground, immediately. Only sexy people are allowed, so leave the
blonde and vamoose, Chase growled at the pretty boy who laughed.

Well be leaving
now, thank you for the offer, Carly quickly intervened and took
Chases arm. How do we get out? The blonde shrugged and
pointed upwards.

You figure it out,
He answered vaguely and disappeared in a cloud of glitter and
feathers. Chase stared at the newly vacated space briefly before
dragging Carly and Jack behind whilst he mumbled obscenities under
his breath bitterly.

~*~Somewhere outside of
the Temple~*~

KaLynda and Clay sat
silently behind a log, water balloons at the ready just in case. You
know, its been two hours, I dont think theyre coming,
Clay whispered. KaLynda shot him a dirty look.

I know them, theyll
come, She glanced over the edge of the log and hissed in paranoid
manner. They always do, Clay sighed and tipped his hat over his
eyes.

Well, Im gonna
catch myself some shuteye, holler if they get here, KaLynda made a
face at the cowboy and kept watch. It was minutes before Clay
actually fell asleep and when he did, he promptly began to snore.
KaLynda rolled her eyes and glared at the human chainsaw and was
contemplating throwing something at him or just leaving.

~*~With the Vegas
Showgirls~*~

Where are they?
Camille shouted, peeking daintily under a rock. Raimundo walked out
of the temple and stopped to stare at the two impromptu detectives.

What are you doing?

Trying to find Clay
and his Miss Texas Toast, Samantha answered while pulling a net
through the fountain water.

What?

KaLynda, Camille
added helpfully as she dove headfirst into a shrub.

Oh, them, they went
for a walk, He pointed. That way, Camille and Samantha
followed the direction of his finger.

Nah, she doesnt
walk,

She prefers to fly,
Samantha nodded. Raimundo raised an eyebrow skeptically and shrugged.

Oh well, I tried to
help, He muttered as he started to walk away but was pounced by
Samantha.

Sit boy! Camille,
get me the spike collar!

~*~Chases Casa~*~

Carly collapsed
exhaustedly on Chases couch and Jack plopped down beside her and
Chase just left the room in search of heavy liquor. Carly glanced at
the bloody and twitchy boy genius.

Are you alright? I
mean, is your nose better?

Yeah, I can talk
normally again,

Oh good, come on,
Ill show you to the bathroom so that you can wash, Jack nodded
and struggled to his feet.

Whoa, woozy, He
muttered as he swayed. Carly steadied him by wrapping an arm around
him and then pulled him in no direction in particular.

This way,

~*~the Log~*~

Clay woke suddenly from
a bad dream and rubbed his eyes. Glancing around he asked out loud.
Where in tarnation is she?

~*~Ice Cream Parlor~*~

Mmm, ice cream,
KaLynda mumbled into a sundae.

~*~Temple~*~

Get this thing off
of me! Raimundo shouted as he tugged at his new spike collar.

No, it looks good on
you, Samantha said defiantly.

It brings out your
eyes, Camille tacked on pointlessly. Raimundo stared at the two
then turned and walked away without another word.

Hey, wherere you
going? Samantha screamed after him.

To get Master Fung,

Why?

Because you are an
annoying, eccentric woman unworthy of being a dragon, Samantha
stared at the Brazilian before braying with laughter.

And I thought you
were the serious one, She giggled. Camille snickered and pointed.

You look like a
bitch, She cackled. Both Samantha and Raimundo stepped away. Clay
walked into this odd scene and tipped his hat back as he surveyed it.

Whats goin
on? He asked suddenly, earning yelps of surprise from Camille and
Samantha.

Gees! Dont sneak
up on us! Camille ordered.

How can I sneak up
on you? Im 65 Texan in cowboy boots,

Youre a 65
Texan ninja in cowboy boots, Samantha suggested.

No Im not,

Dont argue with
them, itll only make it worse, KaLynda toned from the window
where she sat perched. The group turned to stare at her.

When did you get
here? Raimundo asked sharply.

Just before the
bitch part, KaLynda looked at the group with a wide eyed sort of
innocence. Please, dont stop on my behalf,

Well stop just to
spite your behalf! Camille said triumphantly. KaLynda shrugged.

Oh, weve been
invited to Chases for dinner,

We were invited to
dinner?

Well, I invited us to dinner at his place,

Does he have a disco
ball?

I dont know,

I bet he does,

Ten bucks says he
doesnt,

Youre on,

What just happened?
Raimundo asked Clay quietly.

No clue. Whats
with the collar?

I dont want to talk about it,

You know you want
to, Samantha purred while KaLynda shook her head in pity.

Im sure he
doesnt. Now go get ready, we leave in half an hour,

Only half an hour?
What time is it? Samantha asked.

6:30,

Already?

Yes Sam, already,

Time flies huh?

AUGH! A CLICHE! IT
BURNS! Camille screamed as she sunk into the ground…literally.

Where did she go?
Raimundo asked after a moment.

No clue,

To the moon,

…

Go get ready, we
leave in four minutes, KaLynda ordered.

Four?

Yes four. Move your
ass,

~*~At the Temple, Four
Minutes Later~*~

Im leaving!
KaLynda screamed into the living quarters.

Fine, lets go!
Samantha cried as she ran in wearing formal wear. Camille followed in
an ill-fitting tuxedo and the boys just stood by in their normal
clothes. So boring. You are beneath me, Samantha scoffed in
their direction.

Can I pretty them
up? Camille asked using puppy-dog eyes.

Fine, be quick,
Samantha said with a dismissive wave of her hand. A moment, two ninja
poofs, and several shouts later, Raimundo was wearing a coconut bra
and a hula skirt and Clay was wearing a guitar…and not much else
beside his hat, boots, and a pair of briefs that read Naked Cowboy
across the bum.

What the hell? Why
am I dressed like a girl? Raimundo shouted.

Where are my
clothes?

Hey KaLynda, why
arent you dressed up? Samantha asked mischievously

Dont. You. Dare.
KaLynda warned.

Oh, we dare,
Camille cackled before leaping. Moments later, there she stood
wearing a turtleneck, black tank top, white high-waisted pants, red
suspenders, and a black fedora with a huge red feather protruding
from it. KaLynda sulked and stomped off to the jet which had
magically appeared in the front yard. KaLynda! Dont be that
way. At least it doesnt make your fat look ass, Samantha leaned
over and whispered something in Camilles ear. I mean ass look
fat!